Navigating Fertility Questions During the Holiday Season
The holiday season is a time for gathering with family and friends, celebrating traditions, and reflecting on the past year. However, for those struggling with fertility challenges, this time of year can also bring a unique set of stressors and uncomfortable conversations. Well-meaning loved ones may bombard you with invasive questions about your family planning, leaving you feeling vulnerable, frustrated, and even ashamed.
In this article, we'll explore why fertility and reproduction often become casual small talk, especially during the holidays. We'll also dive into practical strategies for setting boundaries, responding to inappropriate questions, and prioritizing self-care to navigate this delicate time with more ease and grace.
Why is Fertility Small Talk?
As fertility specialist Dr. Lora Shahine explains, there are a few key reasons why family building and reproductive health often become the subject of casual conversation:
Genuine Desire to Connect: "People genuinely want to find a level to communicate with others. They want to find that common ground, and for some reason, women's fertility and reproduction just falls into that category of small talk."
Societal Conditioning: "We're conditioned a little bit, and people just genuinely want that connection, especially around the holidays when we're talking about families. It's all very lovely in a lot of ways, but not when you are struggling with infertility."
Lack of Awareness: "We are not talking about these things. We feel very alone when we're going through these journeys. There's only a select number of people that are talking about it openly and feel comfortable and safe to share their journeys openly."
Additionally, fertility yoga and support provider Jennifer Edmonds notes that there is often a level of ignorance surrounding infertility. "We are taught the moment we have sex without protection, we're going to fall pregnant. And I truly believed that as most of the women I grew up with do as well. So this idea that around one in six couples are struggling with infertility, it's just not on people's radars."
Coping with Holiday Gatherings
With the holiday season quickly approaching, many will face a barrage of family gatherings, work parties, and social events where the topic of fertility and family planning is likely to arise. Edmonds offers several strategies for coping with these situations:
Set Boundaries
If possible, politely decline events where you know you'll be uncomfortable. Edmonds advises, "If you can say no, just say no and don't feel bad about it. Even if it's a white lie, you're protecting your heart, and we should just all be okay with saying no sometimes."
However, for events you can't avoid, Edmonds suggests bringing a supportive friend or family member who can help deflect unwanted questions. "Whether it's your cousin or your sibling or your mother, just say, 'Could you have a word with people and just tell them to back off? This is not on the table.'"
Prepare Responses
If you do find yourself on the receiving end of invasive questions, have a few go-to responses ready. Edmonds offers these examples:
"I'd really rather not discuss this. I find this an upsetting question."
"We've been trying, and we just haven't had any success. I don't want to talk about it, but hopefully, I'll have some news soon."
"Would you ask a man that question?" (to highlight the gender bias)
"Well, when we can afford another round of IVF, do you want to learn us the money?" (to address the financial barriers of fertility treatment)
The key is to have a plan, so you don't feel caught off guard and can respond in a way that sets a clear boundary without escalating the situation.
Change the Subject
If someone persists with inappropriate questions, Edmonds suggests quickly redirecting the conversation. "Have some other talking points ready to go, so that you can quickly divert the conversation and not feel like you're stuck in this circle of talking about families again."
Some ideas for alternative topics include:
Your latest vacation or travel plans
A new job or career change you're excited about
A new hobby or interest you've picked up
Current events or world news
Asking about the other person's life and interests
The goal is to shift the focus away from your personal fertility journey and onto something more positive and uplifting.
Prioritizing Self-Care
In addition to managing external stressors, it's crucial to prioritize your own self-care during the holiday season. Edmonds emphasizes the importance of taking a step back and examining what's truly serving you:
Identify Unhelpful Beliefs
"When you've been in this space month after month, year after year, for so many of us, you really do start to believe the things that society is telling you - you're too old, your eggs are too old, you've missed your chance. And all of these beliefs really affect our behavior and then they affect how we feel on a day-to-day basis."
Challenging these limiting beliefs and reconnecting with your true desires can be a powerful act of self-care.
Nourish Your Body and Mind
Edmonds encourages her students to incorporate simple, grounding practices into their daily routines, such as:
Turning off screens an hour before bed and upon waking
Spending time in nature or getting some sunshine
Engaging in gentle movement, like yoga or walking
Practicing meditation or breathwork
Enjoying activities you genuinely love, without guilt
These small acts can help regulate your nervous system, reduce stress, and restore a sense of balance and joy.
Seek Support
Reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional can also be a valuable form of self-care. Edmonds notes, "If you can take a support person with you [to events], whether that's your partner or a friend, that can really help."
Additionally, connecting with online communities or fertility-focused resources, such as Dr. Shahine's newsletter and Baby or Bust podcast, can provide a sense of belonging and validation during this challenging time.
Reclaiming the Joy of the Holidays
While navigating fertility challenges during the holiday season can be daunting, it's possible to reclaim the joy and magic of this time of year. By setting boundaries, preparing thoughtful responses, and prioritizing self-care, you can move through these gatherings with more ease and grace.
Remember, you are not alone in your struggles, and there are resources and support available to help you through this journey. As Edmonds so eloquently states, "It's honestly you're not going to not fall pregnant that month because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. This is where my brain went, so I hate this idea of taking things away. What can you give yourself back?"
So, this holiday season, be kind to yourself, surround yourself with supportive loved ones, and find ways to reclaim the joy and wonder of this special time of year. Your fertility journey is not small talk - it's a deeply personal and profound experience, and you deserve to navigate it with compassion and care.
