Surviving the Holidays with Infertility
I’ve been helping people build families for over 15 years as a reproductive endocrinologist and OB-GYN. I also want you to know that I have personally spent many holiday seasons infertile as I struggled to build my own family.
I know from my personal experience and helping patients that this time of year, full of holiday traditions, can be extremely difficult for people. Whether you have infertility, recently had a miscarriage, or don’t yet have the family you desire, this blog post is for you.
During the holiday season, there can be many triggers if you’re trying to build a family. You might see a photo of a family in a holiday card, see kids sitting in Santa’s lap, or even see decorations that remind you of what you want and don’t have. It can even be tough to watch commercials this time of year because so many traditions are centered around children and family.
With all these reminders of what you want most, I want to give you some tips on how to survive this season to benefit your mental health and emotional wellness. So let's get started.
1. Limit social media.
This will do wonders for your mental health. I highly recommend taking a social media break to recharge and limit trigger exposure.
If you can’t or don’t want to limit social media, you can mute your friends and family, which will hide their content from your feed without requiring you to unfollow their accounts.
Muting will save you from seeing all those photos, stories, and reminders of the families that people have. The best part is: No one will know when you’ve muted them. Here’s how to mute on Facebook and Instagram.
2. Plan ahead for events.
When you gather with people you haven’t seen in a while, they’ll likely ask about life updates. While I disagree with this, many people consider reproduction and family plans small talk.
Prepare that you might be in a situation where people ask, “Are you trying?” or “You have been married for a while. When are you having a baby?”
If you’re single, you might hear, “You’ve been so focused on your career. Aren’t you worried about your biological clock?” and if you already have a child, people might say, “When are you going to give your child a sibling?” (By the way, Dr. Ali Domar recommends responses to these questions in my podcast episode with her.)
I’ve been in this situation before, and all of these inappropriate comments are tough. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt (they’re probably asking because they care), and they likely don't realize what you're going through.
If you know that there’s a risk you’ll be stressed at an event, you can choose not to attend. That’s an option! If you do have to go, you could consider limiting your time, such as arriving late or leaving early. I also recommend finding an ally you can trust who can help steer conversations and look out for you.
3. Don’t open the holiday cards.
This is a time of year when people often send family-focused cards, which can be triggering.
If you want to get an update, absolutely open those cards. However, if you think it's going to be triggering, or you're not sure you’re in a place to learn about what’s going on with that family, you can postpone opening to when you feel ready.
I often recommend that patients put holiday cards in a designated box, and then they’re out of sight until you’re ready to take a look.
4. Surround yourself with supporters.
Find and surround yourself with individuals who truly understand your story, what’s been happening to you and maybe even share a similar experience. That might be just one person, or it might be a small group of people.
If you have friends, loved ones, and, if you have one, a partner, it could be helpful to spend time with these wonderful people who deeply care about you. You could also source a group with a shared experience and get together with them.
When you need support, reach out with a phone call. Connecting with people who truly care about you and understand the disappointments you’ve faced will help.
5. Plan something just for you.
Think about what will make you happy and bring you joy this holiday season. Some ideas could be planning:
A weekend away, maybe with a partner or a friend
A weekend where you have no commitments, where you stay in your PJs, drink tea, watch movies, binge TV, or read all those books that have been piling up on your nightstand. (Wait, that's me!)
A day at the spa by yourself
Give yourself the gift of experiencing time to reflect and enjoy something that’s just for you. I find that the benefits can be healing and last longer than a material gift. Do something that brings you joy.
So much about the holidays is for other people. Whether it’s getting gifts or going to parties, our energy often goes outward. With this in mind, make time for yourself.
In summary:
I hope this is the last holiday season that you experience this feeling, but in preparation for the holiday season, remember these five things:
Limit social media and mute people who are triggering
Plan for holiday events by RSVPing “no” or supporting yourself
Don’t open those holiday cards
Surround yourself with people who understand your story
Do something for yourself
I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions or comments, visit my YouTube video.
