Father's Day When You're Not A Father Yet: Support and Self Care
Father’s Day is a wonderful celebration for all the fathers in our lives, but it can be painful for those who are trying but not fathers yet. Men often get left out the the infertility and miscarriage discussion. So much of the evaluation and treatment for these conditions are focused on the female partner - blood tests, ultrasounds, medications, shots, intrauterine inseminations, and in vitro fertilization. Men, trying to be fathers, can get left out of not only the actual fertility treatment but the emotional support that everyone going through infertility and miscarriage need.
Providing Support
If you know a man struggling to complete his family - here are ways you can help.
Ask, Then Listen - He may be focused on supporting his female partner through the shots for IVF or the physical and emotional recovery from a miscarriage that he has not taken time to process how the process or loss has impacted him. Men are suffering too but may dismiss their feelings and emotions as not as important as their partner’s needs. Reach out, find a time to talk and simply ask how he is doing. “I know you guys have been trying for a while - how are you dealing with that?'“ “I’m so sorry that you lost the baby, that must be tough, how are you feeling today?'“ Sometimes in efforts to help others - what we say can be hurtful. Instead of making recommendations and sharing personal stories, listen and focus on him. Also be prepared for him to change the subject or not want to talk. Don’t force a conversation he doesn’t want - simply say “I’m here for you if you need me.”
Reach out - it’s easier to avoid tough conversations or awkward situations and there is no playbook for what to do when men are infertile. You don’t have to be a counselor or have conversations you do not feel comfortable having but you can show you care. A simple text, a phone call, asking to get together - you don’t have to talk about infertility and miscarriage to show you care.
Be an ally - be aware of how tough it can be for a man with infertility to be a social gatherings with lots of parents and shift a conversation to something your friend likes to talk about (other than kids). Support your friend if he declines a invitation to a baby shower, misses a family event - he may need space. You can help defend your friend too if you know he’s avoiding social situations because he’s grieving. When family and friends complain that he isn’t at an event or has missed a few recently simply say ‘He’s been busy with (fill in the blank - work, training for a marathon, whatever as long as it’s somewhat true). Don’t add to the complaining - defend your friend and quickly pivot the topic of conversation.
Self care in infertility and miscarriage
If you are struggling to complete your family, the reminder of what you do not have yet can sting and increase stress around Father’s Day. As Father’s Day approaches this year and those reminders continue to pile up, now is an important time to take care of yourself. Here are some ideas on ways to take time out for yourself to heal, reflect, and renew.
1. Just Say No– This can be tough, but sometimes you just have to say ‘No’ to events and situations that are toxic for you. There can be family gatherings and social situations around Father’s Day that may just be too painful right now. Hopefully, you have a family that would understand if you avoided the Barbecue and celebrated the fathers in the family in a private way (like a card or phone call).
2. Find An Ally - If must go to a father’s day event or part of you really wants to go but you’re worried about the fall out, enlist an ally or two. Talk to someone who you know will be at the event who know your family-building journey about what you’re going through. That person can help shift the conversation to a new subject when Aunt Martha asks, “So, when are you having kids?” or Cousin Sarah, while holding her newborn baby, asks, “When are you going to make your Mom a Grandmother?”
3. Take Time for You– Do actives that bring you joy whether it’s exercise, reading a new book, a hobby you love. Be kind to yourself and make time to heal and build your strength to keep trying.
4. Find support - Infertility is extremely stressful. You may find yourself trying to be strong and supportive for your partner. You may find yourself feeling guilty about all the medications, appointments, procedures that focus on women in the fertility treatments. Remind yourself that even through you may be in the waiting room for procedures - you are in this waiting, this frustration, this grief just as much as your partner. In order to be the most supportive partner - you have to take care of you.
“You cannot pour from an empty cup”
Support can be found in many places. Sometimes friends, sometimes books, but therapy whether private or in a group can be a huge help. See resources below.
Male Factor Infertility
So much of fertility and family building is female focused that getting a male factor infertility diagnosis can be a shock to men. At least one third of infertility can be attributed to all or partial male factor infertility. Almost 1% of all men can be azoospermic (no sperm). If azoospermia is obstructive (due to a blockage in ejaculation) procedures like sperm aspiration can help men have genetic children and donor sperm can be an option for all types of azoospermia. Male factor infertility typically requires that the female partner go through treatments like intrauterine inseminations or in vitro fertilization. Men can feel shame for causing infertility and guilty watching their partners give themselves shots or recover from procedures. If you are a man with male factor infertility - you are not alone. Feelings of shame, guilt, vulnerability are common and normal. Be kind to yourself, don’t blame yourself, and find support.
Father’s Day When You’re Not A Father Yet
If Father’s Day can be a celebration as well as a painful reminder. Support men you know are struggling to build their families. If you are a man dealing with infertility - take time for you, be kind to you, and know that you are not alone.
Resources:
Ways to Support Your Partner In Infertility Blog Post
Resolve patient advocacy information and support groups in the United States
Silent Shame of Male Infertility Time Magazine
Male Infertility: What to Know and How to Cope NY Times
Couples Communication Tips and Mind Body Program Domar Institute
Learn more about infertility and miscarriage with more blog posts at drlorashahine.com.
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