A Gay Dad's Real Talk on IVF & Surrogacy: A Step-by-Step Guide for Men Having Babies
Navigating the Complex Journey of Family Building for Gay and Single Men
Are you a gay man or single man considering starting a family? Have you begun the process of searching for an egg donor or gestational surrogate, but feel overwhelmed and unsure of the next steps? If so, you're not alone. The path to parenthood for men can be complex, with a maze of fertility testing, legal contracts, and international laws to navigate.
In this comprehensive guide, we'll dive deep into the real-life experiences and expert insights of Richard Westoby, an IVF and surrogacy advocate, author, and host of the popular podcast IVF Daddies. Richard has been through the journey himself, and he's dedicated the last decade to helping others like you build their families.
Together with Dr. Lora Shahine, a double board-certified reproductive endocrinologist, we'll cover everything you need to know to get started, from realistic timelines and cost expectations to red flags and protecting yourself from potential scams. By the end of this article, you'll feel more informed and empowered to take the next steps on your family-building journey.
Understanding the Landscape: More Options Than Ever Before
As a gay man or single man, you're fortunate to be living in a time when there are more family-building options available than ever before. However, this abundance of choices can also feel overwhelming, especially if you're new to the process.
Richard Westoby, who has been through the journey himself, describes himself as an "advocate expert" rather than just an expert. He explains, "I went through this process, and my ex-husband and I have 13-year-old boy-girl twins. With my new partner, we started the IVF Daddies podcast to enable people to learn in a way that they're not embarrassed. They can put these on and listen to stories about what to do, how to do this."
Richard's personal experience and his role as a podcast host have given him a unique perspective on the challenges and emotions that come with building a family as a gay or single man. He's able to connect with others on a personal level, offering guidance and support that goes beyond the clinical aspects of the process.
Getting Started: The Importance of Fertility Testing
The first and most crucial step in your family-building journey is to get your fertility tested. Richard emphasizes the importance of this, saying, "I always say to anybody, gay, straight, single, trans, whatever you are, get your fertility tested first because you could go down a whole path and end up if say you're a single man who doesn't have sperm and yet you you go down this whole route, then all of a sudden you're like, 'Oh my gosh, I don't have any sperm.' You then have to pivot really quickly into going, 'Okay, well, what am I going to do next?'"
The fertility testing process involves three key components:
Sperm testing: Ensuring you have viable sperm to work with.
STI testing: Checking for any active sexually transmitted infections that need to be addressed before proceeding.
Genetic mutation testing: Screening for potential genetic conditions that could be passed on to a child.
By getting these tests done upfront, you can avoid costly and heartbreaking detours down the road. It's a crucial first step that will set the foundation for the rest of your family-building journey.
Choosing an Egg Donor: Navigating the Options
Once you've completed your fertility testing, the next step is to start the process of finding an egg donor. This can be a daunting task, as there are several options to consider.
Richard explains that you can find an egg donor through a variety of channels, including your fertility clinic, an egg donor agency, or even a personal connection like a family member or friend. However, he cautions that working with an agency or clinic that has pre-screened donors can be beneficial, as it can help you avoid the emotional rollercoaster of falling in love with a donor only to find out they don't meet the necessary criteria.
Another important consideration is whether you want to work with a fresh or frozen egg donor. Fresh donors undergo a live IVF cycle, with the eggs being retrieved and immediately used for your embryo creation. Frozen donors, on the other hand, have already gone through the egg retrieval process, and their eggs are stored in a bank, ready for use.
Richard explains the pros and cons of each approach: "If you're going to do this, you need to understand you're legally protected. So, make sure you're talking to a lawyer to understand if you're international, if you're going to go home, am I going to be recognized as the parent? Right? Because looking at this from a United States perspective where you're based, right, the US is the gold standard for surrogacy and egg donation and sperm donation and the whole process whereby you are as a parent you're recognized."
Ultimately, the choice between fresh and frozen donors will depend on your personal preferences, timeline, and the availability of donors that meet your criteria.
Finding the Right Clinic and Legal Team
As you navigate the process of finding an egg donor, it's crucial to also start researching fertility clinics and assembling your legal team. The clinic you choose will play a significant role in the success of your journey, so it's important to do your due diligence.
Richard emphasizes the importance of transparency and communication when it comes to selecting a clinic: "I believe that if you're looking at this, a lot of people that I talk to, obviously I'm based in London, as you can tell, a lot of the people that I talk to are international, so there's an element of travel. There's an element of the nuances around where those people live. Are is the clinic able to talk to me in my language? Do you speak Spanish? Do you speak French? If not, okay. Do you have translators? Really important because no matter how good my command of a language is, so for example, I speak Spanish and and English. I'm almost bilingual, but my mother tongue is English. So if I'm, for example, sitting with a doctor in Spain, no matter how good my Spanish is, my natural default will be to go back to English. And if I have a doctor that can do that, it just gives me that level of comfort, that level of confidence."
In addition to the clinic, you'll also need to assemble a legal team to help you navigate the complex web of contracts and legal protections. Richard emphasizes the importance of working with lawyers who are experienced in the field of surrogacy and egg donation, as the laws can vary significantly depending on your location and the country where your child will be born.
He cautions, "Can you imagine 18 24 months of a process and then getting home and not being recognized as the parent? I'm like, no, no, let's not do that. So, you know, right? And so, I mean, this is really kind of where I wanted to to start chatting with you, like how do you get started? If you were to talk to, you know, a couple or a single man, you said first thing, get your sperm tested. Like, make no assumptions."
Navigating the International Landscape
For some intended parents, the cost of building a family through IVF and surrogacy in the United States can be prohibitive. As a result, many are exploring international options, such as Colombia, Mexico, and Argentina. However, Richard cautions that this approach comes with its own set of risks and challenges.
"What I've seen is a lot of people are creating their embryos in the United States and then shipping the embryos abroad because they want that quality of care. They want the confidence in the process of the US. That's not to say those clinics aren't very good because they are very good in those countries. But again coming back to that language thing of this is my you know I'm in England English patients are like okay this I understand the process and I could get nittygritty into this process with my doctor in English and then know that this is being done to a methodology that I understand donors are known you can have you know in in places like uh well Spain for example your doctor will choose your egg donor you don't get to choose your egg donor your doctor chooses it for you. I'm like, no, doesn't work for me again."
Richard emphasizes the importance of thoroughly researching any international options, understanding the legal landscape, and ensuring that you have the necessary protections in place. He shares the story of a friend who is currently stuck in Argentina, unable to obtain a birth certificate for his child due to a legal technicality.
The key takeaway is that while international options may be more cost-effective, the risks can be significant. It's crucial to work with experienced professionals, both in the country you're considering and in your home country, to ensure a smooth and successful process.
Realistic Timelines and Budgets
One of the most common questions Richard receives from intended parents is, "How long will this process take, and how much will it cost?" The answer, as you might expect, is that it varies greatly depending on a number of factors.
Richard estimates that, on average, the process can take anywhere from 15 to 24 months, depending on the specific steps involved. This includes the time needed for fertility testing, finding an egg donor, creating embryos, and matching with a surrogate.
As for the cost, Richard breaks it down into several key components:
IVF Clinic Costs: Typically $50,000 to $60,000, including the cost of fertility testing, egg retrieval, and embryo creation.
Legal Fees: Approximately $20,000, covering the contracts and legal protections for the egg donor, surrogate, and intended parents.
Surrogate Compensation: This can vary widely, but Richard estimates a range of $55,000 to $100,000 or more, depending on factors like whether it's a first-time surrogate, whether there are twins, and any additional medical or logistical needs.
Insurance and Other Expenses: An additional $15,000 or more to cover the surrogate's health insurance and any other incidental costs.
In total, Richard estimates the all-in cost for building a family through IVF and surrogacy in the United States to be in the range of $220,000 to $250,000. This can be a daunting figure, but Richard suggests breaking the process into manageable steps, such as starting with sperm freezing and then tackling the egg donor and surrogate search when you're ready.
Identifying Red Flags and Green Flags
As you navigate this complex journey, it's crucial to be vigilant for potential red flags and to seek out trusted, transparent partners. Richard shares some key things to watch out for:
Escrow Companies: Ensure the escrow company holding your funds has appropriate protections and a solid track record. Be wary of any companies that disappear overnight with your money.
Clinics and Agencies: Look for transparency around success rates, costs, and the overall process. Be cautious of any providers who dismiss your questions or concerns.
Surrogates and Egg Donors: Verify that any potential surrogates or egg donors have been properly screened and are working with reputable agencies or clinics.
On the flip side, Richard emphasizes the importance of finding partners who are willing to have open and honest conversations, provide clear information, and demonstrate a genuine commitment to supporting you throughout the process.
Resources to Guide Your Journey
As you embark on this life-changing journey, you don't have to go it alone. Richard Westoby and Dr. Lora Shahine have curated a wealth of resources to help you navigate the process:
IVF Daddies Podcast: Richard's podcast, where he shares personal stories and expert insights on family building for gay and single men.
Men Having Babies: A nonprofit organization that provides support, education, and resources for LGBTQ+ individuals and couples pursuing parenthood.
Gays With Kids: A community and resource hub for gay fathers and those aspiring to become parents.
Families Out Loud: An online community and resource platform for LGBTQ+ families.
Pacific NW Fertility: Dr. Shahine's fertility clinic, which offers a range of services, including donor egg and surrogacy programs.
Dr. Shahine's Books: Including "Not Broken: An Approachable Guide to Miscarriage and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss" and "Planting the Seeds of Pregnancy: An Integrative Approach to Fertility Care."
Remember, you're not alone in this journey. By educating yourself, seeking out trusted resources, and surrounding yourself with a supportive network, you can navigate the complexities of family building and make your dream of parenthood a reality.
Conclusion: Embracing the Journey with Courage and Curiosity
Building a family as a gay or single man through IVF and surrogacy is a complex and often daunting process. However, with the right information, resources, and support, it is a journey that can be deeply rewarding.
By following the steps outlined in this guide, you can take the first crucial steps towards your goal of parenthood. Remember to prioritize your fertility testing, carefully research your options for egg donors and clinics, and assemble a trusted legal team to protect your rights and interests.
Most importantly, approach this journey with an open mind, a willingness to learn, and a spirit of courage and curiosity. With the guidance of experts like Richard Westoby and Dr. Lora Shahine, and the support of the growing community of LGBTQ+ families, you can navigate the challenges and embrace the joys of this life-changing experience.
So, take a deep breath, and get ready to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. Your dream of parenthood is within reach, and the world is waiting to welcome your family.
Here are resources and support available:
Follow Dr. Lora Shahine on Instagram for fertility-related content and resources.
Sign up for Dr. Shahine's newsletter to stay up-to-date on fertility topics and recommendations.
Listen to the Brave and Curious podcast for more inspiring conversations about fertility, pregnancy, and women's health.
