Surviving the Holidays When Struggling with Infertility and Miscarriage
The holiday season is a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness for many. However, for those dealing with infertility and the pain of miscarriage, the holidays can be a minefield of emotional triggers and unwanted questions. As Dr. Lora Shahine, a double board-certified OB/GYN and reproductive endocrinologist, explains, "On one side, you could be feeling joy and excited and love the holiday season and on the other side you can be really worried about some pretty negative emotions coming up because so many of the holidays are surrounding family, very children focused."
Whether you're trying to conceive for the first time, have suffered a recent miscarriage, or are struggling to expand your family, the holiday season can be a particularly challenging time. But with the right mindset and strategies, it is possible to navigate this period with more ease and even find moments of peace and joy. In this comprehensive guide, we'll explore Dr. Shahine's top tips for surviving the holidays while dealing with infertility and miscarriage.
Tip #1: Don't Go (If It's Too Painful)
One of the most important pieces of advice Dr. Shahine offers is to give yourself permission to opt-out of holiday gatherings if the emotional toll would be too great. "If it's too painful and it's too many triggers and you just know it's going to be a ridiculous amount of questions, don't go," she advises. "You could be sick. You could maybe not be able to get off of work. I know that this might not be possible for everyone, but when you are suffering from grief and you feel that you're going to be forced to be in a situation where you're surrounded by people that don't understand and might not be very compassionate, it's okay to protect yourself."
Tip #2: Find Your Ally
If you do decide to attend a holiday gathering, Dr. Shahine recommends identifying a trusted ally who can provide support and act as a buffer during difficult moments. This could be your partner, a close friend, or a family member who is aware of your situation and can:
Provide a listening ear when you need to vent or process your emotions
Intervene if unwanted questions or comments arise
Suggest taking a break or leaving the event if it becomes too overwhelming
As Dr. Shahine notes, "It's nice to have an ally that's not your partner. There could be times where you're not in the same room with your partner. You're talking in different conversations. Your partner might be dealing with their own offense and defense during the Thanksgiving gatherings. So maybe find an ally, someone that you can confide in and talk about and just say, 'Hey, it's going to be really difficult for me to face Aunt Sally. Every time I see Aunt Sally, she asks me when I'm going to make my mom a grandma, and I just can't handle it again this year.'"
Tip #3: Plan Your Responses to Awkward Fertility Conversations
One of the most dreaded aspects of holiday gatherings for those dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss is the inevitable barrage of personal questions about family planning. Dr. Shahine advises having a plan for how you'll respond to these intrusive inquiries, whether that's through avoidance, honesty, or a well-placed zinger.
Avoidance and Deflection: "Oh, we're thinking about it and then just change the subject or, you know, I'd really rather talk about something else. Have you read any good books lately? And just kind of deflect, change the conversation."
Honesty: "You could say, you know, actually, it's been a really rough year. We've been trying. It's been about 6 to 8 months and we're still not pregnant. Or, actually, I just had a miscarriage about a month ago. It's been really painful and um, thanks for asking."
Boundary-Setting: "Wow, that's a really personal question. I'm surprised you feel so comfortable asking that."
The key is to have a few go-to responses prepared ahead of time, so you're not caught off guard and can respond in a way that feels authentic and empowering for you.
Tip #4: Plan an Exit Strategy
In addition to having a plan for how to handle intrusive questions, Dr. Shahine also recommends considering an exit strategy for holiday gatherings. This could mean:
Making an appearance and then leaving before the event winds down
Arriving later, after the initial flurry of greetings and questions
Setting a firm time limit for your stay and sticking to it
"If you're going, think about, okay, I'm going to make an appearance. I'm going to do the rounds and I'm going to get out or I'm going to leave before dessert or I'm going to leave at a certain time or come late so you know everybody's sitting down and you're not having all that kind of chitchat and you can just kind of eat and leave," Dr. Shahine advises.
Tip #5: Plan for Self-Care and Recharge
Perhaps the most important tip Dr. Shahine offers is to prioritize self-care and make a plan to recharge, whether you attend holiday gatherings or not. "One of the most important survival tips for Thanksgiving when you're struggling to build your family is plan to recharge," she says.
This could look like:
Binge-watching a favorite TV show
Reading a new book
Trying a new hobby or recipe
Spending time with a supportive friend or loved one
For Dr. Shahine, a personal tradition is watching the movie "Love Actually" every Thanksgiving weekend. "It's a fantastic movie with a star-studded cast. It's a lot of interwoven stories centered around the holidays, mainly in London. And it's a little bit of romance, it's a little bit of family, it's a little bit of drama, a lot of friendship, and it's just a wonderful tradition that I started years ago and I watch every year."
No matter what your self-care ritual looks like, the key is to intentionally carve out time and space to process your emotions, recharge your batteries, and find moments of joy and peace.
Additional Resources for Support
Dr. Shahine shares a wealth of additional resources to help those struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss navigate the holiday season and beyond. These include:
Dr. Shahine's free newsletter, which provides ongoing support and education
Her "Brave and Curious" podcast, which delves deeper into fertility-related topics
Her books on fertility and miscarriage, including the best-selling "Not Broken: An Approachable Guide to Miscarriage and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss"
Her active social media presence on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn
Whether you're looking for practical tips, emotional support, or educational resources, Dr. Shahine's comprehensive offerings can provide a valuable lifeline during this challenging time.
Embracing the Holidays with Compassion and Boundaries
The holiday season can be a minefield for those dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss, but with the right mindset and strategies, it is possible to navigate this period with more ease and even find moments of peace and joy. By prioritizing self-care, setting boundaries, and tapping into a network of support, you can approach the holidays with compassion for yourself and your unique circumstances.
As Dr. Shahine so eloquently states, "What if you could walk into every holiday gathering feeling grounded instead of guarded? How would it feel to have a plan when the nosy fertility questions inevitably come your way? And what if you could protect your emotional well-being while enjoying the holidays full of joy and with boundaries intact?"
With the guidance and resources provided in this comprehensive guide, you can take steps towards reclaiming your holiday experience and finding the solace and celebration you deserve.
