Surrogacy Myths vs. Facts: Everything You Need to Know About Building a Family Through Gestational Carriers

Surrogacy is a beautiful and life-changing path to parenthood, but it's also one that's often misunderstood. From concerns about cost and legality to misconceptions about the emotional and medical realities, there's a lot of confusion and misinformation out there when it comes to using a gestational carrier.

In this in-depth guide, we're going to bust the biggest myths about surrogacy and provide you with the facts and insights you need to determine if it's the right family-building option for you. We'll cover everything from how surrogates are selected and matched to the legal and emotional considerations, drawing on the expertise of Mollie Huyck, the Director of the Gestational Surrogacy Program at Pacific NW Fertility.

Myth #1: Surrogacy is Only for the Rich and Famous

One of the most pervasive myths about surrogacy is that it's only accessible to the wealthy or celebrities. But the reality is that surrogacy can be a viable path to parenthood for people from all walks of life.

"I think because we see it in media and movies, it isn't just for the elite or it's just for movie stars," explains Mollie. "It really can be for many of us, myself included, that need this as a viable pathway to become a parent."

While surrogacy does come with significant financial costs, there are resources and support available to help make it more accessible. Organizations like Roaring Adventures provide grants and fundraising assistance, and some clinics like Pacific NW Fertility offer financing options.

The key is to work with an experienced clinic and legal team who can guide you through the process and help you understand the full scope of costs involved. As Mollie notes, "it's not usually a first choice like people aren't coming to the clinic and saying, 'Oh yeah, let me sign up for two weeks of shots and creating embryos through IVF and then just kind of choose a surrogate.'" It's a considered, thoughtful decision that many families pursue after exhausting other options.

Myth #2: Surrogates are Just in it for the Money

Another common misconception is that surrogates are primarily motivated by financial gain. But the reality is that the vast majority of surrogates are driven by altruistic reasons.

"They really do want to be able to help another family grow and or complete their family," says Mollie. "Often surrogates have completed their family and they feel like pregnancy, if you will, is their superpower, or pregnancy has come easy for them and they're grateful that they can lean into it."

While surrogates do receive compensation, Mollie emphasizes that this is not a simple financial transaction. Pregnancy can be physically and emotionally demanding, and surrogates take on significant risks and responsibilities.

"I just want to remind people that pregnancy is not health neutral," Mollie explains. "It can be very hard on the body. There can be unexpected things like multiple visits, bed rest, difficult delivery. And so someone who's doing this, we really try to make sure that they're very well informed and on their side."

Myth #3: Surrogates Can Keep the Baby

One of the most persistent myths about surrogacy is that the surrogate can decide to keep the baby after giving birth. But this is simply not the case, especially with gestational surrogacy.

"In my experience, I've been practicing for 20 years, I've never helped someone build a family where there was a genetic connection," says Mollie. "I think that's where a lot of the horror stories about people changing their mind and deciding, 'When the baby delivers, that the carrier is going to keep the pregnancy' - I think when there is a genetic link, if that it's that person's egg, it becomes a court case."

With gestational surrogacy, the surrogate has no genetic connection to the child they're carrying. The embryo is created using the intended parents' (or donor) eggs and sperm, so the surrogate has no legal claim to the child.

Mollie emphasizes that this is a key distinction from traditional surrogacy, where the surrogate uses their own egg. "That is just not something that I've ever experienced or seen happen," she says.

Myth #4: Intended Parents Can't Be Involved in the Pregnancy

Another common misconception is that intended parents have to take a hands-off approach during the surrogacy process. But the reality is that intended parents can be as involved as they want to be, from attending doctor's appointments to being present at the birth.

"Often, I encourage intended parents from the very beginning to start to put together a list of things that they feel are really important to them," says Mollie. "Personally, a few things that were on that list for me were I wanted to be able to be at OB appointments, I wanted to go to the ultrasounds as a first-time parent, I wanted to be in the delivery room, I wanted my husband to be able to be in the delivery room, and I wanted to be able to be my daughter's first touch when she was born."

Mollie emphasizes that this level of involvement is something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon with the surrogate from the very beginning. "It's not one-sided," she explains. "It's making sure that the match that you have meets that as well, and the agency's job is really to mirror and match that as best they can."

Myth #5: You Have to Have a Medical Reason to Use a Gestational Carrier

Another common misconception is that you need to have a specific medical reason, like being unable to carry a pregnancy, in order to use a gestational carrier. But the reality is that there are a variety of reasons why someone might choose this path to parenthood.

"It could be for medical reasons, it could be for personal reasons, it could be for professional reasons that they may be leaning into gestational surrogacy," explains Mollie. "I think that I see each person has their own unique path to becoming a parent and it's respecting what that might look like as part of that too."

That said, Mollie notes that some agencies may have their own requirements or restrictions around who they'll work with. "Some agencies nationally do have requirements for medical surrogacy or that don't do so what we call social or professional surrogacy," she says. "So I try to be mindful of that as well in providing recommendations to agencies."

The key is to work with an experienced clinic and legal team who can help you navigate the landscape and find the right agency and surrogate for your unique situation.

Myth #6: Surrogates and Intended Parents Can't Have a Relationship

Another common misconception is that surrogates and intended parents have to maintain a strictly professional relationship, with no personal connection. But the reality is that many surrogates and intended parents develop meaningful bonds throughout the process.

"Often, if you're partnered with an agency, you're connecting with someone that feels like a stranger at the beginning," says Mollie. "And as that pregnancy goes on or that journey goes on, you build a relationship and you like who they are as a person."

Mollie shares her own personal experience, where she initially didn't want any relationship with her surrogate, but that quickly changed. "I will say that that lasted a whole three days, and I was so excited to send baby photos and texts back and forth. And now she's a part of our daughter's birthday each year, we get together annually, and she really has become a member of our family."

Of course, the level of relationship will vary from family to family. Some may prefer to maintain more boundaries, while others develop deep, lasting connections. The key is to have open and honest conversations about expectations from the very beginning.

Navigating the Emotional Journey of Surrogacy

One of the biggest challenges of surrogacy is navigating the complex emotional landscape. From feelings of jealousy and loss to concerns about bonding with the baby, there are a lot of complex emotions that can come up for both surrogates and intended parents.

Mollie emphasizes the importance of having access to counseling and support throughout the process. "I think that's why it's so important as part of this process too that counseling is available and a resource," she says. "And there may be triggers that happen along the way and you go, 'Oh, I didn't know I had a feeling about this. I definitely have a feeling about this certain topic or our communication.'"

She points to the example of Samantha Bush, a NASCAR wife who was open about her conflicted feelings during her surrogacy journey. "To hear her sort of talk about these conflicting feelings and emotions that she had, I think is really powerful and just you're sharing that it's actually really quite common," says Mollie.

Whether it's through their clinic, an agency, or their own support network, Mollie encourages anyone considering surrogacy to prioritize their emotional well-being and not hesitate to reach out for help when needed.

Preparing for the Surrogacy Journey

If you're considering surrogacy as a path to parenthood, there are a few key steps to take to prepare:

• Research and educate yourself. Familiarize yourself with the surrogacy process, the legal and financial considerations, and the emotional realities. Resources like the Pacific NW Fertility website and the Navie app can be great starting points.

• Assemble your support team. Work with an experienced clinic, legal team, and counselor who can guide you through the process and help you navigate the emotional journey.

• Reflect on your motivations and expectations. Take the time to really think about why you're considering surrogacy and what you hope to get out of the experience. Be honest with yourself about any fears or concerns you may have.

• Communicate openly with your partner (if applicable). Make sure you're on the same page about your goals, concerns, and boundaries when it comes to the surrogacy process.

• Be patient and flexible. Surrogacy can be a long and complex journey, so it's important to approach it with an open mind and a willingness to adapt as needed.

Ultimately, the decision to pursue surrogacy is a deeply personal one. But by educating yourself, building a strong support system, and being honest about your emotions, you can increase your chances of having a positive and fulfilling experience.

As Mollie says, "More than anything, know that you're not alone, and that there are people that want to help that want to come alongside of you, where their intent is to uplift, protect, and guide you along this journey."

To learn more about surrogacy and other family-building options, be sure to check out the resources mentioned in the video description, including the Brave & Curious podcast, the Pacific NW Fertility website, and Mollie's book, "I Became Your Mama." And don't hesitate to reach out to the team at Pacific NW Fertility for personalized guidance and support.

For more information and resources on fertility, reproductive health, and wellness, be sure to check out Dr. Lora Shahine's weekly newsletter and her Brave & Curious podcast. You can also connect with her on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter.